Manic Insomniac

Another day goes by

2011-10-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing well since the receiving the news of having P.C.O.S, and finding out that friends of mine are pregnant, and I nearly had a panic attack. I am happy for them, really but I'm still upset. I called my sister to see if she could get some financial papers for me so I can get them sooner then next week hopefully, I really need to figure out what I am going to do, I need to try to make more money from home but I am at a loss. My mental state right now is bad, I feel like crying all of the time and I feel like my husband and I aren't communicating as well as we could be.

PCOS

2011-10-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged but I think I will be doing it a lot more often, I really need a place to freely express what is going on and how I'm feeling and get feedback from people going through the same thing. I went to the Dr. on Friday, and I found out that I have PCOS, actually found out that I was diagnosed with it back in 2009, and was never told, at least I don't remember anyone tell me, (I have a really bad memory but my husband doesn't) So just dealing with that news and doing research on what we need to do from here.

Sewing, a new hobby.

2011-06-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

My lovely husband got me a sewing machine (a brother ?) for my birthday last month and I really love it, although I haven't finished any thing other then Aa few little things like kitten blankets, and yes I do mean blankets for my cats. I did start a play apron for my niece, that is coming along but wasn't finished in time for her birthday, but hopefully I'll get it done soon.

I do think that its amazing how much I remember (retained) from taking that class in jr. High, you know the one where we did sewing, cooking, computers and shop? I can't remember the name of it... Anyway there are things that just seem to come naturally when sewing, so I assume that it's from talking the sewing class.

I have been reading some really lovely blogs lately and I am so inspired to create lovely things, for my home, and as gifts.

Not to be a crybaby but...

2011-04-20T03:02:00.000-07:00

What in the heck did I do in a past life... (assuming that we have past lives) Okay last week I was sort of diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I say sort of because he didn't really say that I have it but I have all sorts of the symptoms, so if anyone is keeping score... I have Neurofibromatosis, I'm hypoglycemic, I have one (and a half) legs, I'm always in pain because of the previous disorders, I'm manic depressive and who knows what else... Okay just to put it out there I know there are tons of people with lots more problems then I have, and I always tell my self and others that "it could be worse" and I know it could be. I just wanted to rant a little and this is my blog so :p lol not to mention my hubby and I have been trying for a baby since 2007 and no luck.

A few things I don't talk about

2011-04-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

I don't talk about how upset it makes me that I'm not pregnant, But I feel the pain of it everyday.
I don't talk about how (some) people in my life don't seem too concerned about it.
I don't want people to tell me things that I already know, it doesn't reassure me, it doesn't make me feel any better.
I don't talk about how hard it is for me to see pregnant women and families walk by my house, or see them in the store.
I hate to hearing about people getting pregnant and not wanting to keep it.
I'm scared that I can't get pregnant, and I feel like I know it won't happen for me because I didn't end up a teen mom.

Bad at blogging

2011-03-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really bad at this blogging thing, I read blogs all the time, daily and follow more then a few of them. I say to my self all the time that I should write/blog more since I love writing, but it just never gets done... along with many other things that don't do... like laundry and vacuuming and... the list goes on. SO..... here's to blogging (cheers) and here's to procrastinating. (lol)

Just a manic.... Thursday

2010-05-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day, I was happy and full of life! It was such a great day! I felt like I was glowing. My brother told me that he could tell that I was happy, and I was... today I want to cry, I didn't want to get out of bed I just want to be held and cry. I was able to sleep last night, just happy as could be. Manic depression is terrible, even with meds. The worst part is not knowing why, why am I sad? Why?!! I NEED to know?

mark. cosmetic sells rep.

2010-04-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

I started selling mark. cosmetics recently, and so far I am loving it. I am not one that wears much make up never have been, but I've been wearing this and it is great, it's light and clean. I absolutely love the mark Super Cosmetic Bag I received, its so cute and holds quite a bit of makeup, which is great because you can keep all of your products in one place, its also super easy to clean.

Personal update

2010-01-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

This is just an update about us TTC, it hasn't happened for us yet, We've been trying since we got married in October of 07'. My menstrual cycles haven't been normal I had one by my self recently which was good, but it wasn't exactly normal. I took a pregnancy test a couple of days ago it was negative. I'm so drained, emotionally. I have recently been thinking more so that I'm happy right now with the way things are, my husband and I are able to just get up and go, go shopping at 1 am if need be. Although I (we) want a child (children) we like it just us, and our fur-babies LOL. We are happy. We have a great home, a wonderful relationship. So for now this is great! We will have a baby when we're meant to, I just have to keep reminding my self that.

I feel so bad though, friends of mine have gotten pregnant and haven't wanted to tell me because they were afraid that it would hurt me, up set me. In a way it did, but I am so happy for them. They are all great people and they deserve the miracles they've received.

Free stuff

2010-01-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

From time to time I look for free samples, I like to get free stuff, I mean who doesn't right? Well I found one, that you can receive free OPK and Pregnancy tests, at I think this rocks, I just "ordered" them tonight so I don't know if I will receive them, but I will keep you up to date. I found this offer a good one since we're still trying for wee one.

Redefining Beautiful By Jenna Lucado

2009-12-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness this book is good, I have told my friends and my nieces they need to read it. I have said every Christian girl should read this book. It has become my new favorite book. I didn't have any sort of relationship with my biological father, but the one I have with my Heavenly father is unbreakable, this book made me cry and laugh, I've always known that a girl and her dad have a special bond that doesn't compare to anything else. Being with out a dad I have always looked up to my brother in law, he is the closest thing I've ever had to a dad and I am very thankful for him. What I really enjoyed was the 'workbook' part of the book, this is something I always enjoy from a book, being able to have a deeper look into my self. Learn more about me, and what Makes me "tick". I will be giving this book as gifts to my nieces.

Book review: Green, By Ted Dekker

2009-12-11T05:13:00.000-08:00

I found the book odd and confusing, and honestly parts were a bit disturbing, I think it went to deep in describin the evilness of the world. I haven't read the other three, I wasn't able to keep up, I am not familiar with any of his books. "Green" wasn't for me, because it was hard to follow as a first-time reader of any Dekker book. I read that you could read this first, since it is the first and last of the series, but I don't find that to be true since he referred to the other books. I don't think I'll be reading the others, there are many other books that I plan to read.

Much needed update

2009-10-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

WARNING NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

To my good friends, I am sorry that I hadn't told you about this sooner, just a lot has been going on, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm not as tough as I used to be and I am in a lot of pain, but I am going to trug my way though this.

Its been so long since I've written anything here, so I thought I should start from a few months back, a few months ago I noticed a lump on my back near the spine (in between my shoulder blade and spine) it was starting to get painful when touched or even lightly rubbed against, like by my shirt so we decided to talk to my doctor about getting it removed, so we did, and we were referred to a Doctor and he/we decided that the next week, the 9th of October would be the day, well it all went seemingly well until we noticed a black scab like thing on my back covering most of the incision, knowing this wasn't right we called the Surgeon and asked him about it, he wanted to see us immediately, he looked at it and said that the skin flap had died, it wasn't infected and he wanted to see us on Thursday of that week, Once there and he had looked at it again he wanted to drain it, he stuck a 18 Gauge needle in my back, let me tell ya folks NOT FUN! He took out approximately 20cc of fluid. YUCK!! and said that he wanted me to go in for another surgery the next day on October 23, its been a long month for me. I now have a drain sticking out of my back and gauze and hospital tape across the top of my back.

Sorry for the run on sentences and the improper grammar, I'm tired and in pain.

Book Review: What difference do it make?

2009-09-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't read , I did not even know there was a first one, but after reading 'Same kind of different as me' I will do so. What difference do it make? is the second book continuing the stories of Mr. Ron Hall and Denver Moore. This book is great, heartwarming, and heartfelt it made me laugh and cry. Reading this made me think, about what I could do to help others, it also made me think about how I could better my self by do so. It makes you think about what people do does make a difference in peoples lives, even if you don't do what Lucy does. (give money to rescue mission.) This is one of those books that can really change you into wanting to become a better person.

Book review: Fearless By Max Lucado

2009-09-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear By Max Lucado.

We may label it different things we all have insecurities, things we wish we were better at, things we want to do but can't, but it all comes down to one thing, we are afraid. It reassures you about things you know, or might have forgotten. What you need comes when you need it. We all might WANT things, but do we NEED them? I for one struggle with this. Reading this book has helped me remember that God is here for me, when I need him I just need to take the time and pray.

There are things that we should be afraid of, things that just make the hair on your neck stand up, these aren't the fears he speaks of, the fearless part is, to trust that God will be there when you call on him, trust that God will see you though the storm.

I like how Max said: "We should all fall 'victim' to trust" trust in God.

Visit www.maxlucado.com to find FREE valuable resources for spiritual growth and encouragement.

Just ignore me (the post that is)

2009-08-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

Adding this " The communist reflects! " so that I can claim my blog for payperpost.com

The reuniting of family

2009-08-21T08:18:00.001-07:00

Last weekend was my family reunion. Since it was only a few hour gathering, we spent it in West Jordan Utah. Its always so nice to see people that you care about, especially when you only get to see a few times a year, if not only the once. I miss them.

For the 2010 reunion, we are planning to have it at Lagoon, I am so excited for this. I love lagoon I could ride "Rattle snake rapids" all day. I wish we could do it in October though, so we could be there for "Frightmares" Which rocks!! I haven't gone to Lagoon for a few years now, I used to go every year with my brother and his family. It was always so much fun.

YAY!! and also boo

2009-07-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

The test came back. Clean, clear. Whatever you want to call it!! YAY! That was really good news, I found this out because I had a bad migraine again on Friday so I went to InstaCare and He was able to look it up on his computer thingy. Anyway I was, and am so relieved.

Now I'm just still wondering why I am still having headaches, I think its because I have a huge cavity and need a root canal... ugh I got it done for the most part today because last night I was having extreme mouth pain, so I had to make an emergency run to the dentist. I just need to have a permenent filling in and a crown. :/ not fun! But oh well...

Talk about a headache...

2009-07-24T01:19:00.000-07:00

I have had a headache off and on for TWO weeks, its fine most of the time and when I say fine I mean that I am not in the fetal position, clutching my head like its going to fall off. My doctor wanted me to get an MRI on, my brain, Isn't that a CT scan? hmm? He wanted one done since I have NF and that could be the cause. The tech didn't say anything about seeing anything abnormal, if there was something they would have said something, right? RIGHT? ugh... I'm so scared, things like this don't usually worry me, I am really scared though.

Sometimes I can't even open my eyes because the little light that does get through my bedroom curttans feels like my brain is trying to push its way through my eye sockets. And the blinking, oh my goodness when I blink it feels like my eye lids are scraping away my eye ball... a little too graphic? Sorry! So I try to keep them shut. I was given a shot on Monday to help get rid of it, but no such luck, It made me really out of it and sleepy, sleepy was good but when I woke up there it was again, taunting me. I just want to feel "normal" again, I want to go through the day without having to take pain killers just to get up and feed the kitties. or even do normal day to day things.

Moving day

2008-10-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the closing of our townhouse!! I've been very excited for a couple weeks now, I really haven't gotten much sleep. Anyway I've been packing for almost two months, our spear bedroom is covered in boxes and now so is a lot of our living room. We decided to pack almost all the dishes a week ago so we left out a few pans and 2 plates and 2 bowls and 2 spoons, forks and butter knives. and our cookie sheets, that was mostly because we forgot to pack them with the other stuff. LoL Anyway we walked through a couple days ago and it is lovely. I almost cried. Tomorrow at is the final walk through in the wee hours in the morning. So I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight either, eh.. no worries. Buying a new home is a great thing. Awhile ago I didn't think it was something that I'd ever be able to do, now here we are, almost been married for a year. Its an excellent feeling.

Noisy neighbors

2008-04-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of loud music or have I ever really been, I like music just fine, but at a reasonable level, I can hear my neighbors stereo right now blasting, I hear it over my TV, over my typing. Its highly annoying. Sometimes I can hear both of the neighbors above and next to us. I HATE it! Now that is a strong word, and I rarely use it, I think this situation deserves it. I think that it is really disrespectful.

In the morning around 6:45 am, my up stairs neighbors alarm goes off, she has it on a radio station, so its not quite as bad as the beeping could be, but still annoying. It would be so bad I guess if I had better sleep pattern, It wakes me up almost every morning, which wouldn't be as bad if I could go to sleep at a decent hour, I go to sleep around 4-5am, depending on when my Hubby gets off work.

The music stuff it tolerable! I guess, if I have to! What I really CANNOT stand is that, the upstairs boy SKATEBOARDS! Yes SKATEBOARDS!!! in the house urm.. Apartment!! We've told them that it bothers us, and he still does it!! Pounded on the ceiling, still does it!

Rant over! :D Have a nice day!

The "secret" is coming out...

2008-04-19T01:12:00.000-07:00

We really haven't told anyone that we're trying to conceive, well I have told people, ie my mom, my sister, 2 of my friends. ;) (Yep thats right you're in on it) But not anyone in his family, I don't know how to bring it up with them, with my family i've always been quite open with them, my sister asked if I started and I said "No, I haven't had one in quite awhile", she asked if I was pregnant. and I told her no, took lots of test, and getting lots of negatives.

His family isn't as... nosey?! As mine is. Ha Ha!! They haven't asked us when we're planning on having kids. or anything really when it comes to that. But I think we decided to let them know on Sunday. (If we're going over there) I told my family, so I figured he'd bring it up with his, but he hasn't. So WE will in the near future! :)

Not my idea... but a good one

2008-04-15T17:34:00.001-07:00

My friend posted things about her, and I though i'd give that a try... let me see... not Everything about me just a few little, "Becky things"

1. I have to put on my right shoe first.

2. I love to read.

3. My favorite color changes daily. Right now it is.... pink

4. I write poetry. I have been since I was 12 or 13

5. I don't like loud music, never really have I enjoy listening to music, but at a reasonable volume.

6. I HAVE to wash ice cube trays. (too) lol...

7. I don't sleep as often as I should I sometimes go days without sleeping, I don't like to take medication to aid with that. I just don't like to, I think way to much, my mind goes really fast. Faster then I type, or write.

8. My favorite food is, Gravy fries, (from the Frontier Grill) and I'm NOT a fan of pizza, unless its homemade.

9. I want 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy, reasons: My mom had g-b-g, my sis b-b-g. my bro g-b-b

my sis/cousin b-g-b and I want 2 girls, since no one else has had them, since my mom. LOL silly I know. Most of all I want/pray they will be healthy. and hopefully not have NF.

Hm.... Thats all for now

Tomorrow... Tomorrow

2008-04-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to see what's going on with my body, (girly problems) HaHa I hope everything goes well, We want to know if/when, I'll be able to get pregnant, if I have to go on medication again. UGH its a lot to go though, its been 2 months already without the dreaded cramps and AF (aunt flow) I never thought I'd be *wishing* it would just start already, I'll keep you up dated. Since there is only one person... (that I know of) that reads this, they know most of this already, BUT I haven't posted in a couple weeks, so I though I would post the happenings of my life. More later...

Happenings of life

2008-04-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

WOW! Its been awhile since I posted here, well.. lets see....

I'm late again... I went though a whole process of taking progesterone a few months ago, which worked. Now I'm late again, its been tough, I'm on Cycle day 47, I have taken four at home pregnancy test, all were negative. I have an appointment on April 16th so hopefully we'll figure out what going on with that.

Lets see... I've been married for almost 6 months, which is awesome!

My mind is kinda blank at the moment, more to come later.

Im late

2007-12-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

Its late, 23 days late. The first day of my last period was October 19. I remember that date because it was the day before our Open House, held at my sister and her families church, also the church I went to when I was growing up. I woke up in the middle of the night, I didn't think I was going to start, but I was ready just in case, the day was really busy, a lot of different things were going on. We help set up, and I had to hurry and get ready, my sister and her family were getting pictures taken so I had no one to help get me ready, my mom was running late as usual. I was attempting to put makeup on (I rarely wear it so this is a difficult task). We'd forgotten my bra, my shorts that I wear under my dress (I'm also not a very girly person). So that was uncomfortable, I felt all icky and bloated, I was cramping horribly. Other then that it was a great night. We decided to make the trek home, even though our family didn't want us to risk it, the weather was fine through the usual bad weather parts, but then the snow hit, it was terrible, a white out, we ended up having to stay in Heber, we didn't want to chance going though the canyon. it was a nice room, cozy. Finally we went home.

Its now December 10, and still no sign, all negative pregnancy tests. I have a doctors appointment on the 21, but its feels like its such a long time to wait. I'm going crazy, Driving my husband crazy. I'm supposed to start on/around the 14th, so we'll see what happens then. Shouldn't the tests be positive now? UGH

My Reasonings

2007-10-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start making this blog so that I can write freely about how I am feeling about having NF, (Neurofibromatosis) mostly just to get it all out without knowing if people are going to read it.

My story and why I walk on stars: When I was born there was a weakness in a bone in my left leg, my parents believed it to be broken, I was taken to the doctor, and they found out that I have Neurofibromatosis type one, also known as NF1 (not sure how many test, if any, were done, or how many cast were put on to help heal my leg, or how many doctors I'd seen) I had 5 surgeries before I was two and a half years old. From stories that I've heard, I had pins and rods put in it, bone taken from my right leg and hip to try to fuse the bone, many body casts, my mom tells me that my foot didn't even look like a foot anymore, it looked more like a club, because of all the casts and surgeries, my mother made a very hard decision... to have her baby girls leg amputated. It was that, or go through who knows how many more surgeries. I had two more since then, one was to fix the growing sharpening bone, and another to make a "bridge" and to fix the nerves so they wouldn't be so sensitive. During the last (6 hour surgery) they removed two neurofibromas (benign tumors.) This was the first I heard that I could develop them, I really hadn't done any research on NF, I now know that I can develop them anywhere in/on my body, that I know of I have at least 5, but I have no idea how many I really have, without getting testing done.

One of the last prosthesis that was made for me they put stars inside it for me, and I once told one of my online buddies that, and he said you walk on stars. and started calling me star walker. Them having done that, it made me feel better about the whole thing :)

I'm the youngest of three children, the only one that has NF, no one in my family has any signs of it, I have tons of café-au-lait spots, most are freckling and there isn't anyone else in the family that meets that criteria, thankfully.

Growing up having NF, a fake leg, was really hard, I really didn't see my self as different because of this disorder, but other kids did, I was made fun of a lot as a child, but I stood my ground, in my eyes I wasn't all that different, People would ask about my spots, a lot comment on them being ugly birthmarks (I always had to correct them, because thats not what they are, and I was proud that I knew that, and proud that I could say such a big phrase.) I was always told that I couldn't do this and couldn't do that, my leg didn't limit me that much when I was little.

Bothersome moments

2007-10-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Whenever I read about NF it worries me, Like today I read about how some doctors have said that where you itch a lot you'll develop tumors, (itching is a symptom of NF) I don't know if I believe that though, I've itched like crazy (mostly on my back) for years, and that I know of I haven't developed any tumors there, It makes me feel so sad for the people that have horrible cases of NF, mine being very mild, I feel so horrible when I worry about my self, it could be worse, yes I only have one leg, but it could be worse.
When I see pictures of people and they have disfiguring neurofibromas (tumors) on their faces, backs, arms. and I think.. "How dare you feel bad about your self, you don't have the right to." I am really not one to complain, I never really knew how bad my NF could be, (could get) until the last few years, the net has so much information. I've tried talking to other people with it, but for some reason it seems as if they are talking down to me, like I don't know anything about what I've been though, when I mentioned that I had to have my leg amputated due to a "weak spot" or "hole" in a bone in my leg they would say "are you sure it wasn't a bowed tibia?" UGH no... it wasn't.

Joseph and I want to have kids, we've talked about it a lot. I want to have kids of our own, if we can't we want to adopt. But I'm so scared, people always say that they think that since I don't have it very bad that our kids won't either. and God won't give us something we can't handle. Although I believe that it still terrifies me, I get depressed sometimes because of all this.