If you really knew me... Would we still be friends

I'm so scared of telling you who I am, I can't start the post

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Grave yard (shift)

My Lovie works the graveyard shift 10 hours, 4 days a week, I keep the hours he keeps (like I would actually be sleeping anyway) so I've been doing really well sleep wise. I've only been awake for 13 hours after getting a wonderful five (5) "drug"* induced hours of sleep, I woke up feeling yucky, slow moving, and in pain. It is now close to 1pm and I feel like it's time to get up, (it isn't dark enough in here)





*Sleeping pill, anxiety pill, pain pill and a very long hot bath

New leg

I want to start off by saying that I haven't slept since Wednesday, anyway Today I had the casting for my new prosthesis, I was optimistic and excited until we got there, he started the casting and measurements squeezed and moved squished my "little leg" in every which way and so it aches now, 😔 he also told me "you are going to be hard to fit" and he will see what he's able/can to do.and it will be better than my current leg. I just have an uneasy feeling it isn't going to work and this will all be for naught, and the new leg won't make me feel any better, wont make walking eaiser... 😕

Time

It's been 1840 days since my Lovie and I got married, so far we've lived in three places, on our forth car which we bought brand new and had 17 miles on it when we drove it off the lot. We have two cats, which are our babies since we haven't had any human children, not to sound crass it's not a lack of trying or want. We go on dates every week.

Sleep

I took two pain pills, and a sleep aid so I wouldn't have to go through out the day alone, when my husband got home and after we had dinner, I took a bath and almost fell a sleep. I'm so depressed because of words that were said although they were suppose to have come from a good place, I felt they we harsh and uncalled for.

Sigh

First day without my Lovie in 17 days, it sucks... and I wish he were here, It might seem weird or odd, that we can and like to spend all that time together, but we love each other and can't wait to see one another.

And I have a migraine, from a lot of crying and stress the past couple of days, hopefully things will get better as the week goes on, but right now I laying in bed taking it easy.

Another day goes by

I haven't been doing well since the receiving the news of having P.C.O.S, and finding out that friends of mine are pregnant, and I nearly had a panic attack. I am happy for them, really but I'm still upset. I called my sister to see if she could get some financial papers for me so I can get them sooner then next week hopefully, I really need to figure out what I am going to do, I need to try to make more money from home but I am at a loss. My mental state right now is bad, I feel like crying all of the time and I feel like my husband and I aren't communicating as well as we could be.

PCOS

Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged but I think I will be doing it a lot more often, I really need a place to freely express what is going on and how I'm feeling and get feedback from people going through the same thing. I went to the Dr. on Friday, and I found out that I have PCOS, actually found out that I was diagnosed with it back in 2009, and was never told, at least I don't remember anyone tell me, (I have a really bad memory but my husband doesn't) So just dealing with that news and doing research on what we need to do from here.

Pow-Wow

When to the Pow-Wow this past weekend, it was great. A lot different then when I was a kid, it wasn't different I am. Growing up I didn't really like it, it was hot and boring and I'd have to be out in the sun all day. But it is so beautiful, the costumes the music just wonderful and to be there with family.

Sewing, a new hobby.

My lovely husband got me a sewing machine (a brother ?) for my birthday last month and I really love it, although I haven't finished any thing other then Aa few little things like kitten blankets, and yes I do mean blankets for my cats. I did start a play apron for my niece, that is coming along but wasn't finished in time for her birthday, but hopefully I'll get it done soon.

I do think that its amazing how much I remember (retained) from taking that class in jr. High, you know the one where we did sewing, cooking, computers and shop? I can't remember the name of it... Anyway there are things that just seem to come naturally when sewing, so I assume that it's from talking the sewing class.

I have been reading some really lovely blogs lately and I am so inspired to create lovely things, for my home, and as gifts.

Not to be a crybaby but...

What in the heck did I do in a past life... (assuming that we have past lives) Okay last week I was sort of diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I say sort of because he didn't really say that I have it but I have all  sorts of the symptoms, so if anyone is keeping score... I have Neurofibromatosis, I'm hypoglycemic, I have one (and a half) legs, I'm always in pain because of the previous disorders, I'm manic depressive and who knows what else... Okay just to put it out there I know there are tons of people with lots more problems then I have, and I always tell my self and others that "it could be worse" and I know it could be. I just wanted to rant a little and this is my blog so :p lol not to mention my hubby and I have been trying for a baby since 2007 and no luck.

A few things I don't talk about

• I don't talk about how upset it makes me that I'm not pregnant, But I feel the pain of it everyday.
• I don't talk about how (some) people in my life don't seem too concerned about it. 
• I don't want people to tell me things that I already know, it doesn't reassure me, it doesn't make me feel any better.
• I don't talk about how hard it is for me to see pregnant women and families walk by my house, or see them in the store. 
• I hate to hearing about people getting pregnant and not wanting to keep it. 
• I'm scared that I can't get pregnant, and I feel like I know it won't happen for me because I didn't end up a teen mom.

Bad at blogging

I'm really bad at this blogging thing, I read blogs all the time, daily and follow more then a few of them. I say to my self all the time that I should write/blog more since I love writing, but it just never gets done... along with many other things that don't do... like laundry and vacuuming and... the list goes on. SO..... here's to blogging (cheers) and here's to procrastinating. (lol) 

Just a manic.... Thursday

Yesterday was a great day, I was happy and full of life! It was such a great day! I felt like I was glowing. My brother told me that he could tell that I was happy, and I was... today I want to cry, I didn't want to get out of bed I just want to be held and cry. I was able to sleep last night, just happy as could be. Manic depression is terrible, even with meds. The worst part is not knowing why, why am I sad? Why?!! I NEED to know?

mark. cosmetic sells rep.

I started selling mark. cosmetics recently, and so far I am loving it. I am not one that wears much make up never have been, but I've been wearing this and it is great, it's light and clean. I absolutely love the mark Super Cosmetic Bag I received, its so cute and holds quite a bit of makeup, which is great because you can keep all of your products in one place, its also super easy to clean.

Personal update

This is just an update about us TTC, it hasn't happened for us yet, We've been trying since we got married in October of 07'. My menstrual cycles haven't been normal I had one by my self recently which was good, but it wasn't exactly normal. I took a pregnancy test a couple of days ago it was negative. I'm so drained, emotionally. I have recently been thinking more so that I'm happy right now with the way things are, my husband and I are able to just get up and go, go shopping at 1 am if need be. Although I (we) want a child (children) we like it just us, and our fur-babies LOL. We are happy. We have a great home, a wonderful relationship. So for now this is great! We will have a baby when we're meant to, I just have to keep reminding my self that.

I feel so bad though, friends of mine have gotten pregnant and haven't wanted to tell me because they were afraid that it would hurt me, up set me. In a way it did, but I am so happy for them. They are all great people and they deserve the miracles they've received.

Free stuff

From time to time I look for free samples, I like to get free stuff, I mean who doesn't right? Well I found one, that you can receive free OPK and Pregnancy tests, at I think this rocks, I just "ordered" them tonight so I don't know if I will receive them, but I will keep you up to date. I found this offer a good one since we're still trying for wee one.

Redefining Beautiful By Jenna Lucado

Oh my goodness this book is good, I have told my friends and my nieces they need to read it. I have said every Christian girl should read this book. It has become my new favorite book. I didn't have any sort of relationship with my biological father, but the one I have with my Heavenly father is unbreakable, this book made me cry and laugh, I've always known that a girl and her dad have a special bond that doesn't compare to anything else. Being with out a dad I have always looked up to my brother in law, he is the closest thing I've ever had to a dad and I am very thankful for him. What I really enjoyed was the 'workbook' part of the book, this is something I always enjoy from a book, being able to have a deeper look into my self. Learn more about me, and what Makes me "tick". I will be giving this book as gifts to my nieces.

Book review: Green, By Ted Dekker

I found the book odd and confusing, and honestly parts were a bit disturbing, I think it went to deep in describin the evilness of the world. I haven't read the other three, I wasn't able to keep up, I am not familiar with any of his books. "Green" wasn't for me, because it was hard to follow as a first-time reader of any Dekker book. I read that you could read this first, since it is the first and last of the series, but I don't find that to be true since he referred to the other books. I don't think I'll be reading the others, there are many other books that I plan to read.

Much needed update

WARNING NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

To my good friends, I am sorry that I hadn't told you about this sooner, just a lot has been going on, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm not as tough as I used to be and I am in a lot of pain, but I am going to trug my way though this.

Its been so long since I've written anything here, so I thought I should start from a few months back, a few months ago I noticed a lump on my back near the spine (in between my shoulder blade and spine) it was starting to get painful when touched or even lightly rubbed against, like by my shirt so we decided to talk to my doctor about getting it removed, so we did, and we were referred to a Doctor and he/we decided that the next week, the 9th of October would be the day, well it all went seemingly well until we noticed a black scab like thing on my back covering most of the incision, knowing this wasn't right we called the Surgeon and asked him about it, he wanted to see us immediately, he looked at it and said that the skin flap had died, it wasn't infected and he wanted to see us on Thursday of that week, Once there and he had looked at it again he wanted to drain it, he stuck a 18 Gauge needle in my back, let me tell ya folks NOT FUN! He took out approximately 20cc of fluid. YUCK!! and said that he wanted me to go in for another surgery the next day on October 23, its been a long month for me. I now have a drain sticking out of my back and gauze and hospital tape across the top of my back.

Sorry for the run on sentences and the improper grammar, I'm tired and in pain.